Pupation

It's been a month since I've posted here and I'd say it was one of the more evolutionary months I've as yet experienced.

This is a terribly unfair thing to say when the previous four weeks have been less that adequately documented. Even so I'm certain I shall refer back to them on many an occasion in the coming writing considering how much groundwork has been laid during that time.

I wish I could begin listing all of the magnificent things I've been able to solidify during the whole of February, things like a job, an apartment, a 401k, a partner, and a pet (perhaps even a novel in the making). But sadly I cannot. Mainly because none of those things have happened yet.

Sure, I'm working weekends at a lucrative (although all too briefly scheduling) restaurant, I'm living comfortably enough as a result of the kindness of friends, and I've managed to begin a number of new friendships with remarkable and diverse individuals. While in no way would I discredit any of those accomplishments I can't help but feel slightly impatient. In fact I would go so far as to say, going off of my track record, I ought to be running in crazed circles and clawing at the walls.

That's just the thing: I'm actually learning to develop my willingness to wait.

To wait for completion, for a job, for a home, for relationship.

And in that waiting I am additionally learning to find the worthwhile nature of everything in such a refreshing, affirming manner. I look around me and instead of seeing the failures or slow-coming goals, I see the orchestration of joy that is organic to a peaceful life. I make time to read, I make time to walk, I even make time to sit and think. Just to ponder. Meditative and quiet, I come into a better and more comprehensive grasp of myself as an entity within a huge system of entities. And we are all so very, very beautiful. Tragic sometimes, inspiring at others, and ultimately awesome (I use the literal definition).

That so many, many tiny parts could fit so perfectly together to form the giant organism that is life in this huge city, this country, this continent, and the world is boggling in a way that reminds of splitting the atom. And just as some atomic activities are clumsy, violent even, their existence alone negates the vitiation of their sometimes unfortunate byproducts such as selfishness, pain, and cruelty.

I'm rising above. I am aspiring to great heights where membership is not a question of merits but a just reward for efforts genuinely made.

And while I quiescently wait to find what my final form will look like, feel like, and how it shall fit into the rest of the ever-changing forms by which I am surrounded, I am allowed the comfort of seeing my whole self wrapped up in the chrysalis of my will to grow, to mature, to gain in wisdom.

Soon the blood will flow into my new wings and nothing will hold me to the ground.